Warped Mindset

My mom turns 70 in less than two weeks.  We're still scrambling to find the best way to celebrate her big birthday.  At first we were going to convert old 8mm movies from the 70s to DVD format.  Unfortunately nobody can find the movies in my mom's house.  The fact we can't find the movies isn't terribly shocking considering the state of her home.  There's stuff in every single nook and cranny.  To say my mom is a pack rat is a gross understatement.  The more I chat with my friends about their parents, it seems the pack rat thing is a generational habit as many of them admit their parents are the same way. 

What's wrong with her being a pack rat?  Normally I cut her heaps of slack when it comes to her pack rat ways.  However this is one of those examples where it's not so good.  It's really tough on her to part with any belongings in her house.  I think there are many reasons for this and the most profound is probably death.  When you lose children, you have many memories associated to tangible items such as stuffed animals, blankets, clothes, keepsakes, etc.  I do the same thing with gifts given to me by my brothers who passed away.  I know my mom has memories of the past in her head and she also likes to keep the house full of stuff.  By "stuff" I believe there's comfort in the clutter.  Since I spent the first 18 years of my life in the same house, I'm aware how much warmth the house contains.  I guess it saddens me the house I grew up in is so cluttered I don't feel comfortable bringing my daughter over to visit grandma.  Here are a couple sample shots, check the background out in these dated photos.

Yes, it's that bad in the house.  I love my mom, but the cluttered house is hard for me.  I'm so uncomfortable each time I go visit.  I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me.  Perhaps I'm being selfish here, but I miss the house as it was when I was young: less cluttered, full of life, and happy.  Since my wife's parents are both out of town, it would be awesome if we could spend time at grandma's.  We've offered to help clean the house, but that was a fiasco. 

About seven years ago, my wife and I cleaned the kitchen as a gift to her.  I had to ask my mom to leave the house because she couldn't stand seeing me throw out spices with expiration dates of 1975.  We threw out Tupperware from the same era and my mom was in tears.   You know those plastic thingies that keep the bread bag closed?  There's an entire drawer full of those still.  I collected them in grade school to flick around at friends during recess.  (bend them in half, stick under fingernail, and flick).  Why hold on to those though? 

Anyways, my spirit is a bit broken since we can't get those movies converted for her 70th birthday.  Now it looks like we'll be going out to a nice dinner instead.  Creative Egan needs to kick in high gear.  You only turn 70 once.  I'm so tempted to send her on a cruise, back a dumpster up to the house, and pitch stuff.  However, I know my mom would never forgive us if we accidentally threw away something not deemed "trash".  Damn you Ebay and Craigslist. 

Move... that... bus!!!

Comments

[Airam]

Hey! Did you know that my dad turns 70 on the same day that your mom turns 70? Of course you do ... we've talked about this before. I'm sure that however you celebrate it will be super special. How cool to think that we will both be celebrating our parents birthday at the same time?

[Delton]

I definitely think it's generational too. My parents would fit that category as well.

[egan]

Everyone - there's some really great feedback here. I will get to your responses very soon. I was too busy farting around with podcasting Wednesday night. I'm not the best speaker so I've decide to improve those skills like I wanted to do with my writing skills when I began blogging. Podcasting, you're my only hope.

[Nicole]

Wow. I feel like I'm going through the same thing except my dad is turning 59 next month - we are planning way ahead since my mom passed away almost 3 years ago things just haven't been the same. the clutter in my dad's house is about the same but what we are trying to do for my dad by the time he is 60 is help in sell the house that 6 people used to live in. It is overwhelming, sad, and I just don't even know.
But, I'm sure your mom will have a great 70th and you will find a way to make it special.

[ms chica]

Monkey Boy, I really feel you on this one. I've spent lots of time in the place you are now with both my in-laws and my mom. The pack rat thing is largely tied to the Great Depression Generation.

My husband and his brothers took a few days this summer to clean out the in-laws house (they are in assisted living, but visit the old homestead). They filled two large construction dumpsters with garbage, over 8,000 pounds. Much of things like you mentioned, broken furniture, styrofoam take-away containers, old magazines. There structural problems, the house was not sanitary, the roof needed replacing, the carpet replacing. The in-laws have said little about it, but it might be the calm before the storm.

Since seeing how much people can save, I've been cleaning out closets, destroying old files, passing along items no longer useful. I want to do it now, as things are less sentimental to me, and I don't want anyone to be forced to sort through a mountain of my crap later.

How far does your mom live? Is it feasible to bring her to your home to spend time with Anna?

[Kale Rae]

Be happy you're at a stage in your life to get away with planning something small - when my folks turn 70, I'll be 50 - it just seems the older I get the more they assume I can get my shit together to plan better gifts.

Why not give her the gift of a cleaning lady who will come every week and clean for her - or at least tidy up her clutter?

[Lynda]

I can totally understand with your mom, because I have a hard time throwing out even some clothing I inherited from my sister. Some of it isn't my style, and I just have to tell myself that there would have been a point where she got rid of it. Even my dad said, "It is getting to the point where I don't want to get rid of anything that is Laurianne's."

Perhaps, if you want to help her declutter, you could rent a storage area and keep the key. Then, if she asks for something, you just say, "Oh, mom. I will bring that to you next time." When she stops asking for stuff, then you can get rid of the remaining things. Of course, from the kitchen story, it sounds like that would still be really hard for her. 1975? Really? I was 2 years old.

Good luck with finding the movies!