How's Your Walk with God?

Title: Losing My Religion
Cast: family, friends, in-laws, ex-girlfriend, people
Plot: Why Monkey Boy is a heathen

1973-1983: I had no idea what religion was.  I didn't have any friends that I knew of who were religious.  My friends didn't attend church.  I was blissfully ignorant.  My religion was Pac-Man.

1984: my sister gets married to a man whose parents are baptist ministers.  Thus I began to dabble in religion.  The church was located four houses away from our home.  Everything my sister did involved the church before and after they married.  By everything I mean profanity ridden softball games in the church league. Practically every game I played in or watched ended in a scuffle.  My brother-in-law had a short temper and threatened physical harm to me more than once.  Jesus didn't like this behaviour of his, but the brother-in-law wasn't fazed by Jesus' displeasure.

1985-1986: Monkey Boy attended church on Sundays.  Not sure why I did it, but I think it was about getting out of the crowded house to see new people, including church camping excursions in the mountains.  Once at church I was naturally skeptical of stories I read in the bible.  I started to pull away because the fit wasn't right. 

Prayer wasn't something I could grasp either, trust me I tried.  I clutched my two hands together while in bed each night and began a long laundry list of things I was thankful for.  It would go something like this.

Dear God, thank you for the electric blanket, the turkey sandwich, the Atari, and the lovely fall rain.  God, thanks for my mom, my dad, my brothers, and my sister.  Thank you for the friends I know, the good football game I played.  Thank you for not getting beat up at school today.  Oh, and thank you for the roof over my head.  Amen. (elapsed time 3 minutes)

1987-1988: I forced myself to stop praying and then stopped going to church.  I remained rather conservative, but kicked church aside.  Praying to me got to be too much of a chore and the neverending list of thank yous seemed tiresome.  Literally speaking, I would almost always fall asleep while thinking up the prayers.  On some level prayer was comforting, but I wasn't doing it because I believed in God.  I did it because it was a way to clear my head.  (Now you see why I love blogging)

1989: unfortunately my oldest brother died of AIDS.  It was a very sudden death, yet that didn't stop members of my sister's new church from converting him to Christianity on his hospital death bed.  It appalled me and many other family members.  Typically the church isn't so understanding of gay lifestyles** and my brother was gay.  The 23rd hour conversion left a sour taste in my mouth.

1989-1991: following my brother's death I drifted further away from religion.  I kept hearing people say, "he was chosen for a reason" and it was not comforting in the least.  I didn't need or want to hear this.  My brother died at the age of 29 due to his closeted gay lifestyle. 

1991: at the end of the year, another brother of mine passed away in a tragic car accident.  He was only 25 years old and was a recent newlywed.  I asked myself lots of questions about why this happened.  I know it was a very unfortunate circumstance.  I realize many find comfort in religion after such tragedies, yet for me it did the opposite.   If there was a God, why did this stuff happen?  If there is a God why do many children die with cancer related illnesses each year?  Thus the skeptic in me was born.

1992: the final straw.  My older brother who lived with me in college reaches out.  My brother volunteered his time in the Baptist Student Union building near our apartment.  One early Saturday morning I answered the phone to a voice I've never heard before.  The man on the other end of the phone sounded suicidal.  Concerned about the stranger's life, I didn't hang up on the troubled man.  This guy had me and my brother confused.  He claimed to have met me which was a complete lie, yet he knew intimate details about my life and family. 

Turns out this guy lured my gullible brother/roommate into a sexually compromising situation the previous week.  My brother, too embarrassed to share the story, had some explaining to do.  I thankfully was skeptical about this guy's intentions and never met him as he hoped I would.  However, I spent 60 nervous minutes on the phone with him.  The Baptist Student Union dismissed what happened and cut off ties with my brother when they should have been kissing his ass.  Eventually we got notified the strange man was brought up on charges and we were to testify in the county court.  I didn't like taking the witness stand to talk about such a bizarre incident.  The case was dismissed and I felt let down by the crappy prosecutor assigned to our case.  This time it wasn't Jesus' fault.

1994-present: just not feeling the Jesus love.  I live a happy guilt free life now.  I used to feel guilty about not getting baptized.  I used to feel guilty for touching myself when I was a teenager.  I was told to spread the word of God, but that wasn't me.  I was far too skeptical of God as an early teenager, so that just wasn't going to work out. 

Summation: I lead a pretty happy life.  I'm not perfect, but I'm content with my beliefs.  When I did attend church I looked around the room and saw many unhappy people.  People who didn't seem to want to be there.  Most conversations I had with the masses seemed to be forced.  Ultimately, I was there because I was told there would be free food.  For those who do know me, I seldom pass up free food... a big family trait. 

This topic has been on my mind recently as we witnessed our friend's baby get baptized in her Greek church.  Part of me wishes I could believe in a higher power, but I can't.  I don't believe in heaven and hell.  I don't believe many religious folks take the most basic principle of God's word "treat others as you want to be treated" as seriously as they should.  There, I've said it.  This is a highly opinionated post and I'm sure some may be offended.  If you made it this far, congrats and thanks for reading.

**important note**: yes, I've made some sweeping generalizations in this post.  My bad. 

 

Comments

[i <3 billy blanks]

not that my convent comment wasn't real. it's a true story and i have pictures to prove it. did you know that nun's like to do tae bo?

[mez]

oo I just realised I've done my own version of this post - in cbg form

in case you're interested...

god

[stepping]

I dont go to church anymore because I got tired of being told what to do and what to think and I alays felt judged. I have my own relationship with God and my own way to pray. Keeping it that way keeps me sane

[liv]

thanks for sharing. i think all of our walks wend and wind and morph. perhaps important to know that you are allowed to change your mind at any time.

i get a lot of the how do you reconcile christianity and yoga. that's silly to me, but a very real thing for others.

we all need to figure out a way to believe what we believe and know what we know without getting fussed about what others' are doing.

[patches]

Nice post, I appreciate the context. Living in the bible belt had made very bitter about organized religion. I have grown tired of watching religion undermine spirituality. I practice tolerance of those who offer the same courtesy to me. As for beliefs, mine aren't easily defined, but I don't need a prophet to tell me to treat others with the same courtesy I would like to be treated.

[sprizee]

All hymns will be sung to the tune of REM's Losing My Religion.

That's me with the cupcake
That's me the sugar high, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to eat up two
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you munching
I thought that I heard you bake
I think I thought I saw you try

[Think Jacob]

I don't think you're a bad person because you don't believe in a higher power. I can see why many people choose that position. It makes total sense, if you think about it. I just can't handle not thinking that there is a point to all this and that something happens to me after I die besides rotting and existence ending.

[The Grunt]

Even though I've been involved in my religion most of my life, this post does not offend me in the least. I have had many of the same feelings you have had, except that I believe in God. I wonder about my religion daily.

[armalicious]

OMG. Sprizee! Believe me when I say that I'm writing all this down! Holy cupcakes!

[justrun]

Well, I thinking taking that opportunity to express my own thoughts on my experiences was probably wrong. I usually have miles and miles of comments and sometimes think I need to narrow it down, so I did. It was not really sensitive to not comment on any of the personal things you shared, because I really respect that you did. I think I've said that a lot before, but for some reason I didn't yesterday.
It was not meant to offend, nor was it meant to get "FYI" emails from other bloggers asking me to apologize to you but I suppose that's a risk we take by commenting in the first place. I'm always amazed at the lengths people will go to to protect one another, and this arena should be no different.
For what it's worth, though my beliefs will remain the same, you seem much more certain in your stance than me. I'll bet that's a good feeling.

[Leezer]

Egan:

Sorry I haven't commented for awhile but I've been reading. :)

Your post reminded me of similar struggles I've had and continue to have, although I was baptized/confirmed Lutheran and minored in Religion at a Lutheran college.

What you've said, both in words and between the lines, convinces me of something I believe in with all my being, and that is that religion is man-made. Each person has a different way of experiencing these issues, and it's done a lot of harm for any one person or group to attempt to "convince" another of any one answer.

I don't know if I could articulate my belief system even if I wanted to. So I never try to. The only ONE thing I believe in that I hope is common among us all is to be kind to one another. That and love are the only "truths" as far as I can see.

[egan]

The Older Bro - are you singing again?

Jennifer - that sure is a great quote. I like that it still remains with you today. That's how powerful it is. Thanks for sharing this story.

L - you did a good summing up how you feel. Plus, I'm not sure I want to meet you for a drink in Pioneer Square. Strange things happen there.

Airam - it sounds like a cult is developing.

Java - hello and welcome to my blog. Airam is a wonderful lady. If you happen to side with her, you're a wise person. Thanks for the visit and comment.

JQ - you sure do have a lot to say on this topic. It's too bad many wars have been fought over religion. I'm not sure about the Muslim and Christian thing. Don't let the radicals cloud your judgement. You and I are probably quite similar in our beliefs regarding a higher being. Yet, let's make sure we don't lump those setting bad examples together. Don't allow it to get you worked up, it's just a blog topic.

Sprizee - those followers are scary people. They're like bloggers, but slightly more crazy.

Cheryl - there's honor in being "to be" and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Jenin - you're welcome. So little Coleton won't be swimming in olive oil anytime soon at a church near you? (shit, I hope I got his name right)

The Older Bro - wow, nice cheap shot there with your name. I'm not going to touch that one. The church is forming right before our very eyes.

Diane Mandy - how is it growing up in a fundamental Christian household? That situation is so foreign to me. Sucks that you lost friends because you had a change of heart.

Armalicious - you're out of control... yet again. You getting a bit too worked up over this Church of Cupcakes thing.

Sprizee - may this blog already exists? The plot thickens...

Golden - wow, that's quite a story. Now that I know who you are, I had no idea you were even married. What a horrible thing to discover about your (ex)husband. I would think something like that must eat you up inside. Like "how did I not see these traits of his before we tied the knot?". Sucks that it's changed your take on church, but maybe it's good for you to take a step back. Seriously what a crazy story. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I selfishly hope he has a really tough time sleeping at night. Thank you for chiming back in with your story.

Golden - nothing wrong with long comments. They are welcome. Yes, Sprizee is a great person. She's hella nice as they say in the business.

Brandy - you can't eat bread? Do you have an allergic reaction? I'm sorry. I will pray for you and your bread intolerance.

Celeste - thank you. Talking about my brothers is one of the best ways for me to carry on their memories. It was a tragedy, but there were positives too.

Mez - you said lucifer. That's so great of you. You like tea, I like tea. Can we be friends? That sounds kind of cheesy. Seriously, thanks for your account. It's interesting how being raised in a family such as yours can impact you. What is your brother like? Is he religious? Your mom's devilish tactics are quite interesting. I don't like that guilt shit one bit.

Brookem - oh I bet you did. Aw, you said I rock. How kind. You're right, to each their own.. end of story.

Brookem/Billy Blanks Lover - let's see the photos or will they be too large to post on your blog?

Mez - yeah, drawings of yours are fun for all. I can't wait.

stepping - I think that's about how I felt. I personally like having my own thoughts, but that's just me. I don't want a book to tell me what's right and wrong. How about trusting my gut?

Liv - you call yourself a Christian and you do yoga? What's wrong with you? Kidding of course. Funny how some interpret things.

Patches - exactly. That's my mindset. I'm a good person because I see how others are treated and I return that treatment.

Sprizee - I've forward this comment of yours to Mr. Stipe. It will be recorded on the next album. Stay tuned. I should sing this à la podcast.

Think Jacob - I guess so. For me life is about the experience and the people we meet. My brothers may have passed away, but the memories linger and still continue to teach me. As much as I want to believe they see my daily actions, I just can't. Yet I do get sense of satisfaction knowing they'd be proud of who I am today.

The Grunt - I'm glad the post doesn't offend you. I mainly wanted to share how I got to where I am today.

Armalicious - you don't need to write this down. You can copy and paste it (CTRL C & CTRL V) into a separate document.

Justrun - why do you think it was wrong to express your personal account? I sure as heck don't feel that way. I enjoyed reading what you had to say. What? Someone thought you needed to apologize for what you said to me? I'm so confused. You don't owe me an apology for sharing your opinion on this topic. You commented and shared what you thought was appropriate. Trust me, if I was unhappy, you'd know it. How odd.

Leezer - I wonder what your experience in college was like. I thought about that often since I worked across the ship canal from SPU. It's a very conservative college in the middle of a rather liberal town. But yeah, it's all about being kind to one another. If we can't be decent to others, how can we expect good things in return?

[JQ]

Oh. I thought we were just making sweeping generalizations. I tend to rant sometimes without thinking.

[egan]

JQ - at least you can own up to the fact you do that. It's all good. Now I need to work on you and your views on Al Gore.

[The Older Bro...not a dead one...]

The most humorous part of your post is in the last sentence... "some might find this highly opinionated/some may be offended." Duh, What's new!! Like it's our first time reading your blog! Besides the milkshake, being "opinionated and possibly offensive" is what keeps the folks coming back to your yard!

[Fitèna]

One of the most beautiful posts I've ever read! Thank you for sharing so much with us Egan! And I admire you even more for your goofiness, humour, honesty and joie de vivre.

Thank you!
Fitèna

[mez]

bro is like me - not religious. My cousin however almost became a nun - a real one, in Italy (where they make nuns, apparently) - but then decided against it when she got there. Now she's living a sinful but fun life in Florence. As ya do.

We can be friends ;)

[brookem]

i wish i could share the photos! but, i think id need to get into some type of, what, scanning? or something. which, as im sure you can imagine, is way beyond me right now.

[logo™]

Hey Egan!
I haven't popped through here for a while but damn, here you are dealing with the big stuff.
have I told you lately that I love you?
I personally have some really deep seated religious damage because of growing up in an ultra-conservative Baptist home. When one is located on the left coast that is just NOT normal.
I've actually thought it would be much easier to be an atheist. I'd like to be, it deeply appeals to me on several but I am in fact a believer, in something. Religion is soooo not my thing. A a trite, lip service, one-size-fits-all, our-way-or-the-highway, hypocritical, judgemental, exclusionary approach to faith makes me crazy. I am a big fan of the Flying Spaghetti monster and the 8 I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts. I would also like to be included in that cupcake thing but what I've managed to do is agree enough with the church people that the athiest camp doesn't fit and disagree with the religious folks that they don't want me either :p

[Tall Chick]

The Holy Order of the Cupcake (2 dozen with pink icing and chocolate sprinkles please) is sounding very appealing! And the music is unforgettable! ^_^

Stereotypes bum me out, so a non-recognised religion would be safe. :)

[egan]

Older Bro - you think that was humorous eh? I see you brought back an old joke with the milkshake thing. Brookem will be so excited to read this.

Fitena - hey, how goes it? Thanks for the compliments. I just decided there's no reason not to share this facet of my life with everyone. J'aime beaucoup l'expression "joie de vivre". A+

Mez - your cousin lives in Florence, so do you get to visit her ever? That would be a fun place to go. I have so many sights I want to see. I'm glad we can be friends... that's what you meant right?

Brookem - your love of technology is magnificent.

Logo™ - yeah, it's hard to say you don't believe in God. Actually, I don't find it hard at all. Many just don't want to hear it. I get the religion thing. You don't seem like a person who would be comfortable in a church, but maybe I'm wrong about that. Baptists in the Northwest just seems wrong. However I can't tell you the difference between Baptists and Lutherans? How do they differ?

Tall Chick - you love cupcakes just like the rest of the cult does. Noted.

[armalicious]

It's not a cult!

Do you see Kelly Taylor trying to be all part of this Cupcake Church? Noooooo, you don't!

[egan]

Armalicious - Kelly Taylor eh? Nice work on the 90210 thing. Fine, it's not a cult. Do I oversee all cupcakes?

[armalicious]

Yes, as the patron saint of our non-cult, you are the overseer/protector of all things cupcake and/or blog related.

[Bob]

Preach it brother. I'm not sure how exactly I ended up like I did, but I'm happy with who I am. No heaven or hell for me, but I do like movies with angels and demons. Explain that I cannot.

I think a little introspection would help me, but I like external stimulation too much.

[mez]

I suppose I could, it's just that a plane ticket to europe costs 2500 grand AND some. It's not worth it to go for less than a month and I couldn't stay with her that long (she lives in a share house so I would have to stay IN her room) so..

[mez]

of course but you know..I thought we were already friends! :D

[egan]

Armalicious - I guess there no reason to fight the powers that be. I will accept my post effective immediately.

Bob - maybe it's where we grew up or something. Movies about angels make me smile. I like the way you think.

Mez - wow, that's damn expensive. I had no idea it cost that much to get there from Australia. Staying in her room would kind of suck too.

Mez - correct, but I want "bestest friend" status.

[ally]

I am so glad Brandy referred us to this post. And I love that you are leading an examined life. I put off figuring out the "religion thing" for years (and was rather unexamined:) and had some of the same concerns about Christianity that you did (and do). And like you I sort of wanted to believe in a higher power, but I struggled with taking the leap of faith....until I did. And it has changed everything--albeit slowly.

But believing in Christ does not mean I am never unhappy or that I am always thrilled to be at church at 9:15 or that I take the command to love others more than myself as to heart as I should (although reading about how Christ lived certainly inspires me to try). For me, it means that I am more wicked and flawed than I ever imagined but more loved and accepted than I ever dared hope.

I realize a lot of people may be motivated by guilt--but that is not the Christian gospel at all. I think Christianity may be the only religion in which your acts and behavior are NOT the determining factors for whether you have eternal life--rather accepting Christ as your savior is all that is necessary for salvation. Most religions seem to require that you be a "good" person, whatever that means. I know I fall short of being "good" every single day, but as I wrote in my most recent post, I am trying not to be that concerned about what I think of me.

Anyway, sorry to ramble--just thought I would offer a perspective that has not been mentioned. Thanks again for sharing your story.

[mez]

now you know why we're so jealous of you guys and your mega cheap (and super quick) flights to everywhere. Damn you all!

okay let's be best buddies but you know that in grade 5 my best friend and I dressed up in matching outfits so I've bought you a pair of pink ballet flats and a skirt :D

[deadmanshonda]

Oh Egan my heart breaks for you.

What a journey you have been on and continue to travel....I hope your wounds heal....thank you for being so brave.