Weber You Believe Me or Not

Here are some wonderful lessons I learned on Thanksgiving 2005.

• Fully defrost your turkey before placing it on the grill.
• Confirm you've removed the neck and giblets before grilling your turkey.
• Verify the amount of propane on hand before grilling a 13 pound bird.
• Do as your guests demand, when in your house

Thanksgiving 2005 is officially over and that may be a good thing.  It wasn't the smoothest Turkey Day on record due to some miscalculations on my part.  1) First of all, I got too lazy and decided against brining the turkey.  I removed the turkey a couple days prior to cooking and it turns out that just wasn't early enough.  2)  Innards, yep I forgot to remove them prior to placing the bird on the grill.  Since the turkey wasn't completely thawed, it would have been quite difficult to remove them.  Cooking time increases dramatically if you don't remove the innards  3) Against my wife's advice I didn't confirm the propane level for our gas grill before Thursday.  Yes, it did run out towards the very end. 

4) So they say "when in Rome, do as the Romans do".   Based on the first three turkey problems I described, it means the 13-pounder wasn't ready when the rest of the food was placed on the table.  Everyone had their fill of the standard offerings and sat around and waited patiently as the turkey heated up in the oven for 45 minutes.   Shortly after the turkey was finally served my sister begins sharing a lovely story about how she tricked her son once.  She coerced her son into seeing a less-than-attractive female neighbor in the buff in her house across the street.   I felt bad for her cringing son and wondered why my sister would humiliate him.  Since I have no shame, I decided it would be best to rub salt in the wound.

My wife whispers in my ear, "g-string".  I knew exactly what had to be done.  I excused myself from the dinner of 8 relatives and my nephew's girlfriend. I decided to take one for the team and put on my one and only g-string.  Since my sister thought it was fun to humiliate her son with the naked story, I figured I might as well add to it.  I almost talked myself out of the Thanksgiving Day streaking, but didn't.  I had to find some way to lighten the mood in order for my family to forget about the late undercooked turkey. 

Awwwwwwwww... Awwwwwwwwww

I ran into the dining room screaming in nothing but a g-string with all 8 family members there.  It was very brief, no pun intended.  However I think it left a lasting impression on my nephew and his unfortunate girlfriend.  I used the Fart Machine II all night to ease people's minds, but my family never smelled anything so they got suspicious.  Streaking was my only option.  It's a damn good thing she suggested the streaking since IT was a HUGE hit.   I bet my nephew's 17 year-old girlfriend thinks I am a freak among a family of freaks.

Other Thanksgiving sidenotes:

Pop (or soda) Galore: we bought 2 two liter bottles of pop for my sister's kids, three of them.  We figured more pop might be needed, but decided against purchasing more since the kids might bring some.   Boy did they ever!  They brought over 6 two liter bottles and 4 twelve packs of pop.  The oldest nephew drinks Mountain Dew like I suck down Matcha Green Tea Frappuccinos in August.  We were also the lucky receipients of a five pound bag of tortilla chips. 

Give Me Some Skin: watching my mom devour the turkey skin was a little too carnivorous for me.  It almost turned me into a vegetarian on the spot. 

Migraine: Friday morning I woke up and of course immediately blogged.  I went back upstairs and noticed my peripheral vision was diminishing.  This is always a sure sign a migraine is on its way.  I popped a couple Excedrin Migraine and was pretty much out of commission the rest of the day.  My wife thinks it was the excessive amount of sodium consumed the night before.  She could be right or maybe it was god's cruel way of punishing me for streaking in a g-string during Thanksgiving dinner. 

Turkey Day Take Two: Friday night we visited some friends for another Thanksgiving bash.  This time we didn't have to do the cooking.  We provided one of many fine desserts.  I went to town on the desserts... as is no suprise to anyone that knows me.  I got a little bored and tried to spray some whip cream out of a canister in to my hand.  Sadly I missed my left hand and sprayed whip cream all over their new festive red tablecloth.  Yes, I am so fucking cool.

Chargers: There was a point in my life where the only Chargers I knew were from San Diego.  On Turkey Day Two Friday night I learned all about chargers, as in the plate that goes underneath your normal dinner plate.  New terminology like this fascinates me.  Sort of like when I learned all about empire waists. 

P.S. it's a really bad idea for telemarketers to call me on Thanksgiving.   A really bad idea.  We'll just leave it at that.

Comments

[Judi]

According to Chef, my brother-in-law, a turkey needs to be out of the freezer 'x' hours per pound in order to thaw completely. I know that doesn't help much, but apparently the carcass to our turkey was still frozen when dinner was served (it was at home with all the other good stuff--we ate at the hospital).

According to R, aka Adderall (my 6 1/2 year old nephew), whipped topping in a can is supposed to be eaten straight out of the can. Do not try to deposit in hand, on dessert, or anywhere else. Just straight into the mouth. Cooties are not spread this way. Cooties are only spread by kissing girls (other than grandmas and mommy).

[Dobermann]

After this moment of education, I am happy we don't have thanksgiving here..

I could tell a tale or two about mid-sumer fest dinners, but I'll just leave it for next summer..

[Pants]

I want to come to your house for Thanksgiving.

[egan]

Judi - that's a great tip on the thawing. I did have it out for two full days so that should have been ample time. There's always next year though. I so wanted to deposit the whip cream directly in my mouth, but decided that wouldn't be so charming. So I chose to put it in my hand... or at least try to get in my hand.

Dobermann - Thanksgiving is a fun time and not something you should dread. There are some wonderful experiences/stories to be had.

Pants - you are welcome anytime. Just make sure you bring a 5 pound bag of tortilla chips like my nephew and his girlfriend did. That sort of gesture gives you a free pass to attend any E-FO gathering.

[The Real Me]

You should have filmed the streaking episode for our amusement!

Très, très drôle!!

[Johnny]

you shoulda bought an identical g-string (clean) and put it on the turkey when it came out.

If they ask, tell em Ego's special sauce is on it. YUM!!!

[egan]

Johnny - are you talking about spunk? I think that's a bad idea in the presence of my family. It would open up some weird conversations. Wait, maybe that would be a fun prank.

The Real Me - filming the streaking... If I did film it and post it here, my blog would no longer be safe for work browsing. The Feds would have to change the rating of my blog to NSF. Merci mon amie!

[Libby]

You had a f*cking TELEMARKETER call you on THANKSGIVING??? Do they not allow those mutants to have a DAY OFF?

Oh, and for the streaking, I will bring chips AND dip if you invite me to next year's Thanksgiving. I had to deal with my insane parents and my rotten boyfriend's weird-ass amoebic family. Would much rather have had some nudity to stir things up. :)

[Katy]

Wow, streaking didn't freak your family out? This leads me to believe that you've done even weirder stuff around them. Sounds like it was a good T-day weekend ...

[egan]

Libby - the telemarketer calling us on Thanksgiving doesn't even scratch the surface. I wasted about 25 minutes on the phone with these pricks. They are an outfit out of California going by the name Star Communications. They try and pedal free groceries and shit. If I get one call back from the company, I will call the Washington State Better Business Bureau. I had heated words with them and did shame them for calling people on Thanksgiving. The Supervisor claims it's a great day to reach people so why would they take the day off. And yes, I had to ask to speak to a supervisor because some fucker kept breathing deeply into the phone saying "hello" in a deep whisper. Bastards!

Libby - bring chips, dip, and tons of Mountain Dew. Next year will be a much better experience. The streaking helped us all forgot about my sad turkey skills that day.

Katy - my family isn't easily phased. I am of the belief it's hard to shock large families because they have typically lots of crap. It wasn't a bad Turkey Day weekend aside from the slight migraine on Friday. Damn turkeys.

[Brooke]

Despite the fact that my Thanksgiving was fantastic and my food came out perfectly, I truly wish I had been at your house.

[egan]

Brooke - we would have welcomed the company. We have plenty of folding card table chairs to go around. It was a magnificent night after the streaking. Before then, it was iffy at best.

[Chris]

If I had to pay you by the pound for the laughter I received from this post, you would be a wealthy man.

At lunch today, a bunch of us were telling Thanksgiving stories and I heard a couple of doozies - but this hands down tops all of them.

[egan]

Chris - I heart you. The best part about this story is not once, and I mean it, did I think about how this story could be told on the blog. Not once. The thought of sharing the g-string story with my readers never ever crossed my mind. Hope you are well.

[southernspeak4]

Hahaha...now THAT is my kind of Thanksgiving. I hope you were wearing the G-string when the telemarketers called. That's how I get rid of them...

Me: "So...what're you wearing?"

TM: "...er...what?"

Me: "I stripped down into a G-string in front of my whole family, including my elderly relatives, and they're sooo into it."

*click*

[egan]

SouthernSpeak4 - well the telemarketer is what got me started on the wrong foot that day. It was so wrong of Star Communications to make sales calls on Thanksgiving. Things kind of went downhill up until the streaking. If I have to pull a crazy stunt like that to make everyone laugh and forget about shit, I will gladly do it. I felt like Steve Martin in Parenthood.

[calzone]

Monkey so wants you to come over for Thanksgiving next year

[Pants]

Is it Friday?

[egan]

Dragon - for a large fee that could totally be arranged.

Pants - don't you wish it was Friday? Argh, still have four more days of blogging this week. Four more days of entertaining the masses which is so tiring. My fingers are tired.

[candy]

Your posts are getting longer lately. Is this your way of punishing me?

[candy]

Oh, btw, I'm not allergic to eggs. Had a very bad experience with mayonnaise as a small child and just the smell of it still has the power to make me quite naseous.

[egan]

Candy - I just have so much more to share with all of you these days. I noticed they have been getting longer too, but I didn't want to break the Thanksgiving stuff into too many posts. Long posts are the new black. Thanks for the eggs update. I was curious about that and didn't get back to your blog yet.

[Judi]

Really? 'Cause I thought Paris and Stavros were the new black.

[Pants]

Eh, hem! I'm the new black.

[egan]

Pants - you are the new black. And you are cooler than shit. A hero among wusses.

Judi - Stavros? I need to watch more of that Billy Bush and Nancy O'Dell chick. Mary Hart grosses me out.

[Eunice]

That g-string has seen some use this year! First the door-answering episode, now Thanksgiving Day streaking, I can't wait to see what Christmas brings!

At least you had a plan B to distract the crowd from the turkey fiasco.

[egan]

Eunice - I figured it was time to get some use out of the damn g-string I received as a college gift from female admirers I never met. I wonder what happened to those girls from Arizona State University.

[BScotch]

Again I am cursed for my ability to visualize.