Here are some wonderful lessons I learned on Thanksgiving 2005.
- Fully defrost your turkey before placing it on the grill.
- Confirm you've removed the neck and giblets before grilling your turkey.
- Verify the amount of propane on hand before grilling a 13 pound bird.
- Do as your guests demand, when in your house
Thanksgiving 2005 is officially over and that may be a good thing. It wasn't the smoothest Turkey Day on record due to some miscalculations on my part. 1) First of all, I got too lazy and decided against brining the turkey. I removed the turkey a couple days prior to cooking and it turns out that just wasn't early enough. 2) Innards, yep I forgot to remove them prior to placing the bird on the grill. Since the turkey wasn't completely thawed, it would have been quite difficult to remove them. Cooking time increases dramatically if you don't remove the innards 3) Against my wife's advice I didn't confirm the propane level for our gas grill before Thursday. Yes, it did run out towards the very end.
4) So they say "when in Rome, do as the Romans do". Based on the first three turkey problems I described, it means the 13-pounder wasn't ready when the rest of the food was placed on the table. Everyone had their fill of the standard offerings and sat around and waited patiently as the turkey heated up in the oven for 45 minutes. Shortly after the turkey was finally served my sister begins sharing a lovely story about how she tricked her son once. She coerced her son into seeing a less-than-attractive female neighbor in the buff in her house across the street. I felt bad for her cringing son and wondered why my sister would humiliate him. Since I have no shame, I decided it would be best to rub salt in the wound.
My wife whispers in my ear, "g-string". I knew exactly what had to be done. I excused myself from the dinner of 8 relatives and my nephew's girlfriend. I decided to take one for the team and put on my one and only g-string. Since my sister thought it was fun to humiliate her son with the naked story, I figured I might as well add to it. I almost talked myself out of the Thanksgiving Day streaking, but didn't. I had to find some way to lighten the mood in order for my family to forget about the late undercooked turkey.
I ran into the dining room screaming in nothing but a g-string with all 8 family members there. It was very brief, no pun intended. However I think it left a lasting impression on my nephew and his unfortunate girlfriend. I used the Fart Machine II all night to ease people's minds, but my family never smelled anything so they got suspicious. Streaking was my only option. It's a damn good thing she suggested the streaking since IT was a HUGE hit. I bet my nephew's 17 year-old girlfriend thinks I am a freak among a family of freaks.
Other Thanksgiving sidenotes:
Pop (or soda) Galore: we bought 2 two liter bottles of pop for my sister's kids, three of them. We figured more pop might be needed, but decided against purchasing more since the kids might bring some. Boy did they ever! They brought over 6 two liter bottles and 4 twelve packs of pop. The oldest nephew drinks Mountain Dew like I suck down Matcha Green Tea Frappuccinos in August. We were also the lucky receipients of a five pound bag of tortilla chips.
Give Me Some Skin: watching my mom devour the turkey skin was a little too carnivorous for me. It almost turned me into a vegetarian on the spot.
Migraine: Friday morning I woke up and of course immediately blogged. I went back upstairs and noticed my peripheral vision was diminishing. This is always a sure sign a migraine is on its way. I popped a couple Excedrin Migraine and was pretty much out of commission the rest of the day. My wife thinks it was the excessive amount of sodium consumed the night before. She could be right or maybe it was god's cruel way of punishing me for streaking in a g-string during Thanksgiving dinner.
Turkey Day Take Two: Friday night we visited some friends for another Thanksgiving bash. This time we didn't have to do the cooking. We provided one of many fine desserts. I went to town on the desserts... as is no suprise to anyone that knows me. I got a little bored and tried to spray some whip cream out of a canister in to my hand. Sadly I missed my left hand and sprayed whip cream all over their new festive red tablecloth. Yes, I am so fucking cool.
Chargers: There was a point in my life where the only Chargers I knew were from San Diego. On Turkey Day Two Friday night I learned all about chargers, as in the plate that goes underneath your normal dinner plate. New terminology like this fascinates me. Sort of like when I learned all about empire waists.
P.S. it's a really bad idea for telemarketers to call me on Thanksgiving. A really bad idea. We'll just leave it at that.